20

21st year of my life has begun and it's time to reflect back on how 20 went. 
 An entire year's worth of memories, growth, and disasters to summarise. 

PS. Not going to lie, writing for other people (interning/ working as a freelancer) has made me so cautious about what I write and how I write it. When you're doing work for someone else, you have a style guide to follow, certain rules to adhere to and, you start doubting your abilities as a writer. So, being back on this platform, a space where I truly have all control and rein over what I say and how I say it, feels almost surreal. I can make mistakes, I can choose the topics, I can do whatever I want, I'm elated. 

Anyways, 21. It's been just over a week since my birthday, and it was a nice, pleasant day. Usually, I despise the 27th of April, just because there are so many expectations and assumptions attached to that day and often the attention you get on your birthday doesn't seem genuine and it makes me uncomfortable. This time around though, I barely had the time to think about any of that. I went to class, then work and then had dinner with. friend (which was the sweetest way to end the day). Also, I didn't have post-birthday depression, which for me, has been a very real thing for the past couple of years, but perhaps this is all to credit to my age lol. 

On that note, I wanted to originally write this post to recap and talk about what I've learned and how I evolved in my 20s, and now that my off-topicy rant is out of the way, I'll attempt to remember all the changes I've seen in myself the past year, what I've learned and what I'll take with me for years to come. 

Starting off, I have to just say that I have the worst memory ever. I mean I think it's always been bad, but as time goes on, it's definitely getting worse, so this post will be interesting. I'm going to try going through my camera roll to remind me of what I actually did. 

Ok so I want to start off with the fact that the majority of my 2020 was spent indoors, in lockdown, and so this image seems like a good start. 

I went to the BLM parade, which was right before the lockdown really settled. 

Personally, and I a aware of the privilege I hold in saying this, the lockdown, being isolated, and having to spend time with myself was really good for me. I leaned that I can be alone. It also allowed me to be so much more productive. It was probably my most successful year in terms of my career and finances. I kept myself busy, did some freelance work, started my art shop and Buy Me a Coffee page and overall just had more time to put energy into these creative outlets. 

Yes, the pandemic was difficult, it of course impacted my mental illness but along with that came resilience. I became stronger, I became more connected to myself. 

Got my first tattoo (around June I think), and a photo from BLM  

Photo taken by a lesson lmao

Also, despite the lockdown, I met a lot of people in 2020. I made some really close friends, but I also figured out how to put myself first and not be such a people pleaser. For so long it was almost impossible for me to accept that someone didn't like me. I used to stay in toxic friendships, not speak up someone said something I didn't agree with, and put up with those who made me feel like shit. But over the last year, honestly, love and respect for myself have overtaken my need to be liked by everyone. I'm grateful for the people I met and the lessons I learned, but I think I'm happier about the fact that I've cut out certain people or that things played out in such a way that certain people aren't in my life.

There were some pretty crazy things that happened last year and although at the time I was a bit taken aback, it didn't even take e too long to overcome those things. And now, I have really weird but interesting stories to tell lol. 

Spending a lot of time alone meant a lot of Friday nights and weekends alone with little to no chance of even stepping out of my tiny ass room. Thankfully, I started talking to and got closer to some of the people I lived with. It made me realize how thankful I was that I was at least living with other people around me, not like I did in 2018, completely alone because I would've actually gone insane. 

Loud phone calls my floormate made, that used to annoy me so goddamn much, now made me smile because it was some sort of solace that another human existed. 

I think that change- how I started looking at things differently and how I could identify my capacity to change and grow, is something that I really cherish, and I'll hold on to that for a very long time. 

Enchanted Club has seen this image before, but I couldn't talk about the things I learned at 20 and how I grew, without talking about my spirituality and my growing interest in things like energies, manifestation, and looking at the world from a different perspective. 

Sounds a bit demeaning when I say that all of this was triggered upon my viewing of 'Surviving Death' on Netflix, but that show sort of launched me into this. I had known about manifesting and karma before this and had loved my crystals but from that point onwards, I really started taking things seriously. There was a shift in the way I lived my life and how I dealt with situations. I realized that we truly are just a shell, with a soul, a consciousness, and once our time to experience this human form has ended (typically 80 years approx.) we simply return back to the elements, ready for our energy to transfer into some other being. Getting this through my head, helped me be more realistic about situations, take more risks, and move on from things quicker. I started looking at any situation (good or bad) as an experience I get to have or an emotion I get to experience, rather than complaining about it or feeling like it's ruining my life.

I also went through what was probably the most frustrating physical (?) problem I'd ever have to go through- getting a fucking stye on my literal eyelid. This literally grew to such a huge size and was right on my face. It made me so so insecure and made me reevaluate how much I care about my appearance. It made me cry, it made me want to not look in the mirror, it made me so depressed. Eventually, I had to get a mini surgery to get it removed and it was a pain in the ass but I think it made me realize that I should be grateful for what I have. When I was looking back at photos from before I had the stye, I was mad at myself for never appreciating the fact that I had all my features, that I was healthy. Looking at past photos of me made me realize that I need to stop putting myself down based on my looks all the goddamn time, that I need to stop comparing myself to others. 

This picture doesn't truly capture the extent to which that stye grew lol, I don't think any of you'd want to see that, but it was there for such a long time and it was painful and annoying. It's a lot better now as it had a few months post-surgery to heal, but what an adventure. I swear shit like this only happens to me. 

Another photo taken by another lesson

Again, the number of new people I met last year was insane. I was a lot more adventurous and a lot less fearful and it allowed me to engage with new situations and converse with new people. I met some of the nicest people through mutual friends and although I only talked to them once, on that day, it restored my faith in humanity and gave peace to the part of me that always believes everyone hates me. 

Another notable difference has been in the way I look at Perth. I think it's fair to say that I haven't had the best relationship with Perth. I just relate it to high school and when I'm back there, my mental health often deteriorates. However, this time around and as a result of the previous growth and character development I had endured, I saw Perth and all it had to offer, in a different light too. 

I realized the copious amount of love that was there for me. How much easier things were when my parents were around to help me with it, how less lonely I left, and how much I love my dog lol (this I was already aware of). 

I think the biggest surprise was when I realized that actually, I wouldn't mind living in Perth in the future. I used to be unable to even fathom the idea of living in Perth, but being back this time around, I think I felt secure. I felt like maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world if I lived in Perth again. It diminished so much of my anxiety and stress about graduating from uni because I didn't have this hypothetical dread over me anymore about what if I wasn't able to secure a job in Melbourne because now the idea of Perth doesn't hold such a negative place in my heart. 

20 also brought with it the most body confidence I've ever had. I think I was my heaviest and my lightest weight that year and although yes there were definitely times where I criticized my body and compared it to others, there was a lot more self-love. Even at my heaviest, I accepted myself. At my lightest, I felt so good. 

My self-confidence and my relationship with my body are still a work in progress, but how far I have come, is something I'm very proud of. 

On a lighter note (?), I also made the worst hair decision ever lol. I've had blue and pink and blonde hair but those were all better decisions than getting a bloody perm and having my hair cut to look like... that. 

When I style it, I guess it looks fine but god do I hate it so much. I never realized how lucky I was to have straight, healthy hair. It literally had so much potential and it was so low maintenance. 

Its grow a bit since I committed that crime, but it's still a long way to go before I feel like myself again with my pretty straight hair :( 

Also, ps. straight hair people definitely have the privilege. Now that I've been on both sides of the spectrum, I can conclude this. 

Lastly, I NEED to talk about my writing progress!!! 

In the last year, I've worked as a proper freelance writer, I've had an amazing marketing job, I've started my own shop and I've been published with FJ (and now I'm an intern there... crying). I'm actually making MOVES and I am so thrilled.

It's let me become so much more comfortable with the fact that I'm graduating in about 2 months. I just have so much more confidence and I feel like I have greater agency over my own life. 

Plus I have to mention my increasing education and knowledge about feminism and its importance. I have become so involved with and so much more educated about the injustice in my daily life that stems from being a woman and learning about those things, being able to spot them out, and speaking up about them has made me feel powerful. You can check out my piece on this topic here. 

(Adding this in later cause I completely forgot this segment of my life lol but I've also gotten better at setting boundaries!!!) 

Anyways, I think I've rambled on long enough. Pretty sure I've left out important and noteworthy chunks of what happened, but this is as far as my memory (and my photos) will take me. Also, if there were grammatical errors or spelling mistakes in this, I'm glad lol, I'm not going to proofread this, I need to practice my autonomy hereby being my own boss and making my own decisions (cause I get to do that here) and so the decision is that simply do not care if this post has any mistakes :)

Not even sure how many people will read this entire thing but if you did, thank you for recapping my 20th year with me. So many exciting things to come, so much growth to happen, so many people to meet and so many lessons to learn. Can't wait to grow into and become a powerful, independent woman. 

With love, 
Aastha// A2