15.3.20

-- I have decided not to grammar check any of this as I did not post it on the day I wrote it and am now unwilling to read through it again in the fear of refuelling my anxieties of yesterday to the ones of today. So, if you're reading this, proceed at the cost of your own brain cells -- 

15 days into march of 2020, I've realised I feel unproductive and unaccomplished after a fairly long period of feeling not too bad about myself, which now that it seems to be wearing off, i'm not surprised but actually glad that I didn't live out those good days in despair or fear of the bad ones that might come eventually. but here we are and although they're not the worse, they are still quite the opposite of what I had been feeling, but i think I've been through this enough times now to realise the pattern of constant ups and downs. for me to feel that unconditional joy and freedom within myself with an elevated self esteem again, I need to now be pulled down and restored, I have to accept it. 

I initially started off this post with the intentions of talking about some of the goals I had set out for myself almost 3 months ago, as. way to check in with myself and see how I've been progressing, but I realised the only reason I wanted to do that was because in know I've been pretty good, that I have been ticking off the boxes I drew for myself, I just need a lil validation from the only person I can get it from right now. 

however, thinking it through again I know that that my good days don't determine success. what would show growth is how I handle myself when its my bad days and if I mange to still tick off those boxes when it's a bit more difficult to do so. 

anyways, I've been coming across (or maybe I've just been focusing a lot more) on the idea that art or creative success has to stem from degrading mental health or the downfall of one's stability. As much as I don't want to feed into that idea and similarly no one wants to endorse it, its difficult to swerve in a direction that determine otherwise when I only come on here when I realise I'm spiralling.  

I don't want to accept the fact that maybe my works will only ever be a product of my depression but its all I've seen so far. It scars me that what I produce, what gains attention and what I feel proud of has to stem from disparity, it makes me question if I can ever truly be happy.