This might be a really wordy and boring
post for many readers but I'm learning not to do things to please others, but
rather, to realise that sometimes doing what makes me happy is more
important.
__________
Not gonna lie, it was pretty difficult
putting up my "18 things I've learned at 18" post up (my last
post). I’ve never really used this platform to publish personal content,
I mostly just post arbitrary rants and photos I've taken but none of that is personal
and even the poetry is often posted long after it's been written so I'm usually
no longer in that headspace or it isn't that personal to me anymore as I
would've moved on from feeling that way.
However, I got a lot of positive
feedback on that post and it was really encouraging, especially because I did
it regardless of how unsure I was about posting it but I knew I had wanted to
do it for a while and so I just went for it.
I find it absurd that I still cannot
get past the whole "what others might think" mindset because I really
did think that moving away and living alone in a completely new place would
almost reinvent me. When I was back in Perth, I used
to watch this YouTuber that had moved away from home and lived alone in Japan.
Watching her content made me really happy because she was posting these videos
of her just cooking and talking to the camera as if she was talking to a friend
and when I watched her I convinced myself that when I moved out, because I’ll
no longer be living in what I consider my hometown or be surrounded by people
from school who know me or by anyone who might have anything to say about my
work, I won’t feel a sense of judgment, or I won’t feel this pressure to be
ashamed about my content or what I want to post because I’ll be away, living on
my own, being my own person and doing things how I want them. But moving
here, really disappointed me in myself because I still don’t have that
confidence. I am still afraid of judgment or people talking about my posts and
making fun of them that it holds me back so much from expressing myself
creatively and doing what I want.
Subconsciously, in my head, I had made
up this idea that moving away from home and into a new city equals moving away
from myself and into a new mindset and brain. But no, my fears and thinking
followed me here too and now I’m not only still afraid of how people back home
will judge me, but also all the new people who I've met here. And it honestly
sucks so much. It sucks that I cannot be my own person and write down my
thoughts and feelings. That I cannot post content without fear. Like the fact
that in the greater scheme of things, all I'm doing right now is typing out my
thought process. Why is that so difficult to do? Why do people judge? Does
everyone not have concerns and streams of consciousness? I don't know, its just
quite frustrating and I'm angry at myself and others.
Updates:
1. My BTS love has reached new levels,
but listen to The Truth Untold and Tear: Outro from their new album and then
read the English lyrics, please. They're stunning.
2. I currently have exams going
on, thus the sudden motivation to get back into blogging lol, a great form of
procrastination
3. I'll be going back to Perth
soon
4. Will also be going back to
India
5. Might be getting my first tattoo
soon and I'm stoked (also slightly scared) but I'm not going to say what I want
yet or where hehe
6. I have a lot of conflicting feelings
right now about some aspects of my life that I've never felt confident with,
and I'm trying to approach it logically this time but it has been very
difficult and I often wish I could step outside this box that is my mind and
not have to deal with these issues but I also know that if I don't do something
about it, I'll never really be happy.
7. Cannot wait to join the gym once I'm
back from holiday, I'm so ready to get back into running and stuff it really
takes my mind off of stuff and I just feel relaxed afterwards
8. Looking forward to some vain
shopping and pamper trips as soon as I'm back home
9. Excited to see my friends!!!
10. For the past week the only time
I've left my house is to go do the groceries once and go to my exam, and other
than that I've been at home and not met a real human in 7 solid days and it's
taking a toll on me but also I feel oddly at peace. I might be going
insane.
11. I really really really want to
figure everything out and be over with it and be happy (continuation from
point 6)
12. I ate dark chocolate just then and
I kinda feel gross ugh
13. The weather here is so
unpredictable smh
14. I have Ariana Grande's No Tears
Left To Cry stuck in my head and I don't know how I feel about that.
15. There is much more on my mind other
than this, but again, judgment. This was a start though.
16. My heated blanket is too hot right
now, but also if I turn it down it's going to be cold
17. It's 1:37 pm and I need to sleep so
I can get up tomorrow and get my ass to the library to study (It's not going to
happen, I'm calling it right now)
_______________________
Some recent updates:
18. Gave myself some ear piercings
19. Sort of figured out and worked on
my 'conflicting feelings' from points 6 and 11. Don't have much else to say on
that right now, it's still an ongoing process, however.
20. Took myself to my first ever solo
dinner date and I feel accomplished. I'm learning to enjoy my solitude.
21. I have this sudden urge to get back
into photography
22. My left eye is furiously
twitching
22. Back home in less than 2 days!!
(I've mentioned Perth quite a lot but it felt weird to end this post on the
note that my eye is twitching.)
_______________________
Another set of recent updates because I
keep putting off publishing this post and time keeps flying by and things keep
happening:
23. I'm back in Perth and my heart is
so full
24. Been having some great quality time
w/ family and friends
25. Perth sunsets never
disappoint
26. I'll be in India in less than a
week!
27. I worked on some poetry on the
flight and although it not my best piece of work in terms of vocabulary and
doesn't have that wow- factor, I'm just pleased that I finally got myself
to write some more as it's been so long and I utilised my time on the flight so
well (I really hate flights lol)
28. I'm really proud of how I've dealt
with my mental health this month, props to me.
29. Caitlin, if you're reading
this, just wanna say I love u so much dude. I just appreciate our friendship so
much <3
30. I'm excited to post my poetry(I
feel the need to add a 30th update cause it doesn't feel right leaving it
off at 29)
