Latterly

“Write new blogpost” has been on the top of my to-do list for the past 3 weeks, and I haven’t even gotten around to make a start on it, until now. I feel like I say this often, and if that is the case (which it is, I don’t know why I keep trying to prove and then disprove my point lol?) then I’m here to say it again - I’ve been very busy and a lot has happened since my last ‘rant style/ update’ post. I think it’s fair to say however, that this is the busiest I’ve ever been in my life.

Let me just give you a quick summary in bullet points

• After graduating high school, I had the best few month chilling w/ friends and making memories
• I got accepted into a university in Perth and was set on the idea
• I got accepted into a university in Melbourne, with a better course
• I defer my Perth uni degree and accept my Melbourne offer
• I move to Melbourne- completely alone, I know no one in this city, not a single soul 
• I attend university gatherings, parties, orientations etc. meet some of the best people ever
• Found an apartment and moved in 
• Started university (majoring in journalism and minoring in psychology, w/ literature and human behaviour as electives)
• The work load is fucking insane + I’m not sure about some of my classes
• I’m trying to maintain my relationships with my friends and family back at home
  trying to make friends here
  saying yes to as many opportunities as possible in order to meet new people and settle
  simultaneously trying to complete about 5 hours of university pre-reading per day
  also attending the on- campus uni lectures and tutorials
  going grocery shopping, doing my laundry, cooking for myself etc. just chores around the house
  trying to get 7+ hours of sleep
  maintain my blog + YouTube
• I’ve become a mess 
• But I don’t mind it

Other than that, some thoughts (basically petty complaints and other observations I have made)

• The new KitKat x pretzel collaboration is absolutely rank (wouldn’t recommend at all yuck)
• I tried out a new brand of green tea and it’s so weak I’m very disappointed 
• More plants are needed in the apartment + my space doesn’t feel mine yet
• Bought a mat and I overestimated its size and now I have this piece of pink fabric on my kitchen floor that supposed to soak up water but it looks silly (at least the colour is pretty) 
• I keep forgetting to take my vitamins
• I thought I’d enjoy the process of walking down to the grocery store and looking around and picking out the items, but I HATE it. It’s probably the worst chore out of all the ones I have to do. Also, they don’t even have trollies?! I have to always carry around this basket, with like 10kg worth of veggies and stuff and it’s so stressful carrying them all back
• Keeping a diary has saved my life
• Jane Austen rambles on about the same points over and over, 15 pages of her rambling can all be condensed into 2 I tell you.

Honestly throughout this whole journey it’s never once felt ‘real’. I continuously feel like I’m just floating and time is just passing by me and things are just happening, nothing truly feels real. If you ask me to reencounter the above-mentioned dot points in detail, I wouldn’t be able to do so as they are nothing more than just that, dot points, to me. The past few weeks hold so much value and meaning in my life and my growth, but regardless of their importance I feel nothing. It’s like I don’t have the ability to form or comprehend emotions anymore. There is a literal void in me, like a black hole where all these memories and feelings are just being dumped, never to be endured. I think the only way I can really make sense of it at this point is through the word that may be somewhat obvious- ‘surreal’. I think I’ve wanted all this for so long and dreamed of it for so many years, that now that it is finally happening, it still just feels like a dream. I know this can sound very cliché, especially referring to it as a “dream”, but that word itself, I don’t mean it in an ambitious manner, I mean literally like a dream that you wake up from, and know your mind created it as subconscious hallucinations.

It’s quite an uneasy position to be in and I worry that I will constantly be in this state and not be able to align my true emotions with my experience, and therefore never be able to truly live and soak in all that’s around me.

There is no real conclusion to this and other than the fact that I am eternally grateful and truly happy right now with how everything is playing out.